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July 20th,
2005
Dear Wendy,
When I first
read your book, I had not yet kissed
a boy (i was very intimidated by
a strong sense of sexuality I felt
within me that i didn't know what
to do with, partly because of some
fears of men, and partly because
of fears of sex my parents had instilled
in me, and partly because I knew
that it was, indeed a very big deal).
Reading your book provided me with
logical arguments and justification
to make me feel better about that
sexually unsure me, and in fact
call it virtuous. But now I'm having
doubts. Do you really think it's
healthy to wait until marriage to
?
Andrea*
*name changed
to protect privacy.
Hi Andrea,
Great to hear
from you. It makes sense that you'd
wonder this, because seemingly everywhere
one reads of the importance of being
"sexually healthy." But what does
this really come down to? Let's
analyze it.
In the end,
if you decide to have a full-blown
premarital relationship with someone,
either it will lead to marriage
or it won't. Taking the best case,
suppose that it does and he's the
perfect guy for you. OK, great.
But you may have sacrificed a lot
by not waiting. If anyway you would
have gone on to have an intimate
relationship with him, then what
have you gained? More time smooching?
I'm not convinced that it works
that way.
Marriage lends
sexuality a spiritual aspect, making
it more meaningful and altogether
of a different quality. So you haven't
really gained much by rushing things.
Worse, you could be marrying someone
because of the sexual glue that
brings the wrong people together,
and not for more solid reasons like
admiring someone’s good character.
True, people talk a lot about knowing
that you're "sexually compatible"
and "sexually healthy" but what
about discerning if you're truly
emotionally compatible? A more traditional
courtship does give you more objectivity
on this score, and I think that’s
really important.
After all,
without true emotional compatibility,
even the most thrilling affairs
tend to lose their initial spark
after 18 months or so. This may
explain why the "sexual compatibility"
ethos is totally consistent with
the divorce ethos. If everyone is
so sexually compatible, then why
are they divorcing? It can’t
be fun to realize a few years down
the line that you've actually married
the wrong person. And, mind you,
this is all the best-case scenario.
The worst case
you already know: giving your body
and soul to someone—or many
someones?—who end up treating
you like a sexual object. Is the
emotional pain of this somehow more
"healthy" just because so many people
do it? I don't think so. I think
that waiting, although it's very
frustrating at times, is far healthier
emotionally. At least at the end
of the rainbow you have something
real: a beautiful, emotionally-deep
intimate relationship with a special
man—and for you, he'll have
to be really special. And
you have this connection forever.
But in the first or second scenarios,
you have something far less real,
far less likely to last, and in
my opinion, far less emotionally
healthy.
I suspect that
if you stick it out, you won't regret
it.
All my best,
Wendy
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