on a wonderful website.
still has been very difficult for
me lately. It just seems to be my
lot in life--as I can't seem to
find a guy with values. It is very
very hard. I do think remaining
strong against the onslaught is
particularly difficult as you get
older. People treat you like rejected
old inventory, and it stinks. But
I know deep down, under the painful
tears, that my tears are less painful
than being used by a string of men.
But I still get rejected for not
being a trashy girl, and it still
hurts as much as it did when one
is 13 years old.
I also do the
rejecting sometimes, the last two
guys that pursued me--one had a
live-in girlfriend?! He'd email
at multiple times a day, sometimes
a couple of times in the middle
of the night (while she is in bed
in the other room!?) He'd ask me
for ideas for poetry he should write--I'd
get poetry emailed to me?! To meet
him for lunch. To be his tennis
doubles partner. To go lead a trip
with him (without her!). Oh my.
It was just bizarre. I said "no"
to all, and finally told him off
and he just "exited stage left".
And the other
man? Didn't tell me but he was engaged
to someone. Now what on earth?
My theory is,
if we knew how to be powerfully
single and set higher standards,
we will be much more powerfully
married. I think people in society
buy into the whole premise that
you must be in sexual relationship
to be "full" in life.
If they are not "in bed"
then they are hollow, less worthy,
not loved. And it doesn't help that
everyone says love is when two to
become one--meaning you must only
be half a person before hand. So
to fill up, get full, not run on
empty, they sadly go to the cheap
Love Gas Tank to fill up every weekend
because if they don't--they are
only half a person.
As you write
about too--the problem is that the
price of cheap love gas is an expensive
fuel in the long run. Like a drug,
they end up breathing from the exhaust
pipe the morning after. The weekend
love tank finishes its business,
burns up your soul's fuel and then
its gone. And its residue
is smelly exhaust that you have
to keep breathing. The sad thing,
when men leave, their painful residue
on the heart often doesn't.
makes single people like me, who
have avoided that problem, feel
like if you are close to 40 and
not married, you are a massively
deformed human being--like I screwed
up and I wouldv'e been better off
had I partied and had hard core
sex all the time. I think of it
as being powerfully single, in God's
eye, strong at heart, but still
weak in the knees when love arrives,
but stamina to avoid breathing down
that bad love's exhaust pipe, to
know that God is still giving you
a powerful life even though love
hasn't knocked. Creating new definition
of love and power in life.
How do you
find meaning in the midst of the
all the rejection, awful comments,
insensitivity to being childless,
and still smile and blush at the
possibility of true love? The same
goes for those men too, that have
had to face ridicule to stay strong,
those men are out there, and I admire
them tremendously. I just wish he
was somewhere closer to me! :-)
I love the
idea of a Love Gas Tank. Reading
your letter made me appreciate that
sometimes, the greatest insights
come out of painful experiences
Now, the pain
of being rejected for not being
trashy may hurt as much
as it did when you were 13, but
you know what else is the same?
These men are not men who appreciate
the value of who you are, therefore
a.) you wouldnt want them
either, so it works out perfectly;
and b.) they didnt reject
the real you, anyway,
since they only wanted to use you.
What is up
with these guys? A live-in girlfriend?
And engaged? That is like
out of Cosmo or something: "My
boyfriend has a live-in girlfriend.
. should I dump him?" "No!
Of course not! Just join in the
Yikes. I am
just tossing this idea out: are
there any activities/interests you
have which might draw a more traditionally-oriented
type of man? A friend of mine
met her husband at a Renaissance-singing
dinner; another, at swing-dancing
lessons. I'm just thinking, if there
is any place to make it more likely
to meet marriage-minded, normal
guys, then obviously, we have to
find these places.
Have you asked
married friends you trust to keep
an eye out for you? Sometimes people
get so wrapped up in their lives,
it doesnt hurt to remind them
that youre still single.
I think your
point about God's eye is really
what it's all about. If you're single,
must have a lot of faith in you
that you can pass this test, and
contribute a great deal-- just as
you are now. I once heard a rabbi
say that we're all single in the
eyes of God, and at the end of our
lives we all have to face God alone
and account for our lives. When
I was single, that helped me for
some reason. It gave me comfort.
I guess because the most difficult
thing is societys not-too-subtle
message that only if youre
part of a couple is your life worthwhile.
But really everyone is in the same
boat and just trying to lead meaningful
But do trust
that it is going to happen! I have
several friends in their late 30s
who got engaged to wonderful men.
They really do exist. (Both my friends
and the men, I mean.)
to say, I am praying for you and
rooting for you.
Take good care,