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March 28, 2006
Dear Wendy,
I appreciate
your thoughts on modesty more than
you can know. I wish I had read
them sooner. In fact, I was a modest
young woman, determined to remain
so, when I entered college. In many
ways, I was polluted there with
accusations of unease with my sexuality,
"hang-ups" and the like,
and eventually (due in no small
part to my insecurities at the time),
I fell victim to this thinking.
Even in something so mundane as
dress, people were "threatened"
enough by my modest dress that I
was mocked until I went from wearing
cute jumpers and long skirts that
I was comfortable in to immodest
clothing that I did not feel comfortable
in at all.
My life took
a turn for the worse that lasted
approximately 10 years, until I
met the gentleman who is now my
husband. During this period of time
I not only made terrible decisions
with respect to behavior and fashion,
but also made decisions that just
weren't right for me with respect
to career. Even though I knew as
a child that I wanted more than
anything to be a mother, I invested
money I did not have (by way of
student debt) in a graduate education
for a time-consuming career that
would not allow me the freedom to
raise children as I wanted. And
I was encouraged in this decision
by everyone around me--even when
I sought advice from family and
friends, only a few weeks into the
experience, about following my gut
instinct to leave the program before
incurring any more debt, I was told
time and again that I could not
throw away such an opportunity,
had to stick with the program, etc.,
and in light of all of this "good
advice" that's exactly what
I did.
In all of these
matters, had I trusted my own instincts
rather than the advice pouring in,
mostly unsolicited, from all around
me, my decisions would have been
better ones.
So here's my
question. I do not want my children
to make the same mistakes. And yet,
I am somewhat embarrassed by my
own past now. I want to speak frankly
with them about modesty and respect,
but I don't want them to lose respect
for me. Also, while I don't think
I should have pursued the particular
career that I did, I do have a great
deal of respect in general for education
and don't want to unwittingly discourage
my children from educating themselves
in the manner that they desire.
Do you have
some thoughts for me on talking
to my children in the future about
my decisions in the past?
Modest Again
Dear Modest
Again,
Many people's
lives take a turn for the worse
for 10 years, but they never get
back on track. At least you did,
and you can be proud of that. Rest
assured your children will respect
the kind of person you are, and
not form their entire opinion of
you based on one or two wrong turns--especially
since we’re talking about a
time in life when most people tend
to take wrong turns.
I don't see
how talking about bad career moves
could possible discourage your children
from education in general. I think
children always appreciate hearing
how the majority view is not necessarily
sacred, and about learning to trust
what they know to be right (unless,
of course, they think it’s
right to pinch their younger sister).
But my general
feeling is that you don't have to
say everything to your children
in order to warn them against bad
decisions. You don't have to say,
for instance, "I jumped off
a cliff and it hurt" in order
to advise them, "don't jump
off cliffs." And especially
when it comes to something as private
as sexuality, I’m not sure
it’s children's business how
far Mommy went with so-and-so before
she met Daddy.
In fact, the
more I think about it, the more
I think that it isn’t their
business. Just because children
think they want to know something
doesn’t mean it’s necessarily
good for them to know it.
My hunch is
that a lot depends on your relationship
with your children and their personalities.
For some kids, “this isn’t
about me, it’s about you,”
may be what they need to hear. If
you are especially close to one
of your children, and it becomes
relevant, more detail may be appropriate.
What
does everyone else think?
So to review,
the options before us are: a.) give
your children vague but true answers--"I
made some bad decisions before I
met your father" but don’t
get into specifics; b.) say simply,
"that's personal"; c.)
outright fib; or d.) Tell the whole
truth and nothing but the truth,
even the parts your subconscious
has suppressed.
Best answers
will be published in April.
"SpudMom"
writes in:
It's important
to share your wisdom with your children,
as well as your humanity. However,
I agree that specifics are private,
with perhaps a few appropriate revelations
at critical times for our children.
When our children know that we have
faced the same pressures and temptations,
and (eventually) overcome them,
they can hope that they can do at
least as well. In dealing with my
own teenagers, it's always helpful
to give them strategies that allow
them to make good choices without
always losing face with their peers.
They are always free to use the
"My parents would (insert most
scary thought) me if they ever found
out I (insert bad action)"
to give them a good reason to refuse
to participate, and they always
know that we will come and get them
anytime, anywhere, no questions
asked.
As far as the
mommy track goes, I can tell you
that my physics degree has been
useful in the following ways:
- It gave
me a career choice that enabled
me to support my husband through
med school;
- It gave
me the research skills to be an
informed, articulate citizen;
- It came
in very handy when my kids were
at the 'why' stage;
- It has enabled
me to successfully homeschool
a couple of extremely bright sons
(like the 12 year old in Algebra
II;)
- It has helped
me keep up with my husband's work
so I speak like a peer among his
colleagues.
Even though
I 'retired' from employment 18 years
ago, I have never felt that my education
was wasted. However, I am now counseling
my own daughters to make career
choices that can be set aside for
a few years or switched to part
time or free-lance in order to better
accomodate motherhood. I know too
many women who wish they had learned
to become music teachers, interior
designers, and such when their current
skills are only able to be used
in a 9-5 corporate setting.
"Lauren"
adds:
I don't know,
I think I agree. I feel that children
really don't want to know about
their parent's sex life, they really
don't.
There has to
be a way of guiding children where
they can see you truly value what
you're telling them, without having
to get into the details.
"L.B." says:
At the same
time, spudmom, parents should be
careful not to steer girls into
flexible, often low-paying careers
simply because they are female.
I was encouraged to become a teacher
so I would have summers off with
my children--but I have no interest
in becoming a teacher, and I probably
won't have children.
Not all women
are destined for marriage and babies.
Even some of those will become widows
or divorced single parents and need
a means to support themselves and
their children.
Back to the
point, though, sometimes I wonder
if children are destined to rebel
against what their parents teach
them, unless those children grow
up in an environment where there
are no other options, and the only
way to raise children who believe
in modesty is to completely shelter
them from mainstream culture. I'm
a cynic, though.
"Anon"
adds:
As I read the
letter from "Modest Again"
I was getting all fired-up to give
my opinion -- but then I read Wendy's
response and all I can say is, Ditto.
This happens to me a lot!
So I guess
I would answer a: "give your
children vague but true answers--'I
made some bad decisions before I
met your father' but don’t
get into specifics."
But I would
also add that the image or map that
your children have of you is something
that is constantly evolving. That
they see you as perfect when they
are 5 seems to be important but
they will learn over time that you
are not perfect and that map of
you will evolve some more. So evasiveness
when they are young can lead to
more disclosure, if appropriate,
later on.
One last thought.
I think that a lot of times we feel
like we can't tell kids to not do
something that we did ourselves
for fear of being a "hypocrite."
It was such a bugaboo term for the
baby boomers but I usually think
that what most people call hypocrisy
is just people learning from their
mistakes and not wanting their children
to make them too. That isn't hypocrisy
it is actually wisdom, in my opinion.
Another
"anon" writes in:
I have to disagree
with Lauren. My mom was open with
me about her own failures and mistakes
in all areas of life. From her I
really learned about the emotional
consequences of premarital sex.
At a time when I faced pressure,
her stories, her encouragement and
her past openness with me, helped
me to turn to her for guidance and
support. It is a wonderful gift
to give to your children. And who
would you rather they took advice
from? You or their peers?
Posted by:
| March 31, 2006 at 01:23 PM
Erin Palazzolo
concludes:
What a great
letter and worthwhile conversation!
I am 26, single (but dating a wonderful
man), and I haven't yet experienced
the joy and trials of marriage &
motherhood. But I hope to:)
I agree with
Wendy about being open and honest
with your children, but also drawing
boundaries that are important to
preserve their well- being. My future
husband will know about my previous
relationships, but that's not something
I'm going to describe in detail
to my children. They will know about
my courtship with their father,
but they will not need to know how
each date was spent. The question
I suspect I will ask myself is:
What is best for my children? Not
what is best for me (to get off
my chest).
The question
of education/hi-powered careers
for women & if this can infringe
on their modesty is a good one worth
more exploration. I don't see things
as black & white in this area,
but women need to be encouraged
to respect their intuitions and
not seriously compromise their values
in the workplace whether their career
is "high-powered" or not.
I graduated in the top of my high
school and college classes and pursued
a Master's degree. I am Still unsure
of what comes next and am Still
discerning a good fit for my career.
I'm learning the best thing I can
do is be honest with myself -- strengths,
limitations, preferences and all.
I'll want to encourage my daughter
(s) to study and work hard, cultivate
their passion/talent, and make ambitious
but realistic decisions regarding
their career. Of course all the
while praying for God to help them
along the way with their vocation,
whatever it may be:)
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